Appropriate Sentiments for NYEE

Don't have anyone to talk to lately, feel like im lost and alone. theres this emptiness inside that just doenst want to go away. i can mask it when people are around and when im occupied with things, but its still there. just going at me on the inside. trying to break me with every passing moment. i wonder why that is. is it because i dont have strong faith? what is this missing piece in my life? is it a missing significant other? i dont think so cause i have a man that loves me and i love him but its not enough. is it lack of parental/sibling support? no, because they are there when i need them, at least in a way they can be.

It still feels so worthless, so empty. nothing seems to be going exactly like i wanted it to. sure its close or even similar or even what i prayed for, but only kind of. what i wanted in my mind was slightly different. maybe thats why im not honestly happy. i cant say im unhappy, cuase im not. im very very blessed in so many ways that i can't even count them. but happy, no im not. is anyone really happy? is it bad to want to be happy when no one is ever really happy? does every one feel this way? am i just the same as everyone else? probably.

blah i cant even write out how im feeling properly. i probably just need a good cry.

fuck being a girl.

fuck life.

New Years/Eve!!!

So my sister is coming to NYC to celebrate the holidays with me, since I went home over thanksgivng. She needs a break too. (pray for her, she is trying to get into dental school!)

Anyway, I'm so excited! I get to do the touristy things that the BF and I can't get to because of our busy schedules and studying. Def doing a bunch of the 'touristy' restaurants like Serendipity, and a few others. And definitely going to see the ball drop on NYE!!!! Trying to find a good, cheap restaurant for NYE dinner close to Times Square, but thats nearly impossible, it'll be at least 50 bucks each. Thats a lot for a bunch of students.

Anyway, I wanted to write down my New Years Goals:

1) Loose weight! (at least 15 lbs) - I will accomplish this by joining a gym, found one whos monthly dues are 20 bucks, which is perfect but their registration is 200$, so I'm going to ask them if they can lower it, if not I'll be a good investment. Especially during my exam time, to let out some stress.

2) Get engaged! - Do this by introducing the idea of my BF to Dad, and get his parents and my parents to agree on the issues and let us be happy. God willing.

3) Get a good skin cleaning routine - Buy student friendly products for 25+ skin.

4) Wear more fashionable clothing - Will accomplish this by buying clothes that will make an outfit, not just random pieces. I'm getting better at this, thinking about what I have in my closets and what will go with what I'm buying. Hopefully I'll get better looking with the weight loss and acutally wear my amazing clothes.

5) Make more effort with my siblings/grandparents - call/email talk to them more.

6) Go to all my long list of to-go places in nyc - study hard during the week and spend sunday exploring!

7) Spend less time on the computer! - no idea how i'll accomplish this, but hopefully I'll do it!


Anyway, wish me luck! and Pray for my sister please!!

This rotation is killing me!

So I'm doing the Surgery part of my rotations, its 12 weeks of hell basically. Waking up at 4 to catch the train to be at work by 5:30. And then having to stand up straight for hours in surgery, and then having to round! Its too much!

I thought I'd lose weight in this rotation, but instead I've gained! Me and my lazy metabolism plus the fact that the only food to eat there is nasty diner food, and me being lazy as well haven't made my own lunch! My Mom is going to kill me!

Sigh. Hopefully the next rotation will be better.

So sick!

I've been MIA cause I've been busy with school stuff, and Monday I was supposed to start my next rotation but I got seriously sick with the Flu. As a matter of fact I'm STILL sick!!!

I got sick b/c of the flu vaccine. I suggest no one get it.

Never have I gotten it and I've never been sick with the flu. This year I am. Yay!

Don't get it!

Unless your doctor says to. :)

6 weeks flies by

Wow, I can't believe its been six weeks already. One rotation down, a billion more to go!

All in all this rotation wasn't too bad, could have been better but it wasn't terrible.

Hopefully the rest will be good/better.

Man, a lots changed in 6 weeks, huge ups and downs. Hopefully it'll work out for the best in the end.

Fasting started a week ago, its my 3rd/4th fast, the days I eat in the morning I get MORE hungry, isn't that weird?

Anywho, gotta go do sign outs!

My First Place in the City.

So right now all i have in my apartment is my bed, my modem, and a lamp. lol.

Its ok though I AM IN MANHATTAN.

Rotations start next monday, so that should be fun. I'm looking forward to finally working, I havent done that in a while. But its ok, whatever I'm sure I'll get sick of it super fast, like in a day lol.

Not looking forward to having to dress up. Ew.

Anyway, post more later!

taters

Yay Manhattan!!

So I found a reasonably priced studio in Manhattan, the only catch? Its the size of a BOX. 12X12 very small. But bathroom and kitchen are of decent size, as are the closets so it makes it "ok". Plus I have a friend in the vicinity, so that makes it ok too.

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

livin my dream.

Now if only my school would cooperate!

NYC here I come!!

So I finally am going out to NYC. yaaay!!

I'm aiming to live in Manhattan, but maybe it'll be Brooklyn, who knows.

Lets hope and pray that I can find something reasonable, safe, laundry in the building, and most importantly, really close to the subway.

The next two years I'll have only like 2 weeks off in total. This is going to suck, especially if God Willing I FINALLY get engaged and get married. But it might be great in terms of learning experiences and keeping me busy and therefore better for weight loss.

I'm proud to say I've lost 5 lbs the last 2 weeks. Yay!!! only 25 more to go!

lol :(

Trips

I love going on trips, the coming back part sucks. The looong flights, the lay overs, and that feeling that home is just so far away are the things that make coming back so hard.

We just got back from a trip to Egypt and Saudi Arabia. Egypt so we can check out the pyramids, and Saudi, to perform something called an Umrah.

As Muslims, we are required to perform something called a Hajj, a pilgrimage to Makkah and Medinah to perform ritual rites that our Prophet (PBUH) performed. An Umrah, is something like that Hajj, a little shorter, and its not a requirement, but something extra you can do.

This was the first visit to our Holy Land for me and my sister, and the second for my parents.

I have to say that seeing the Kabbah, was honestly the most significant thing that has happened to me in my life.

It's not that I'm a totally changed person, and seeing the Kabbah has made me into this new better Muslim. No, it has just made me realize how lucky I am to be in the situation I am in now. How lucky I am to have the parents, the siblings, the friends, the life that I have. It has definitely made me want to appreciate my life more.

Now, I'm not saying that I'll be a total 180 and be the best I can be, but I will definitely try my best to get as close to the best I can be as possible.

God willing I can do that.

Contests!!

Here's another giveaway I'm entering, you guys should check it out

Got a Haircut.

Don't you love it when the hair stylist totally gets the color and cut you want and acutally pulls it off?

It doesn't happen to me often, but OMG it happened today!

This amazing stylist here cut my hair and high lighted it just perfect!! Such an exciting day.

Thank God

Day 3 and Final Day

The plan was to do this master cleanse thing for 5 days at least. Well its the end of day 3 and I've decided to stop.

It wasn't because I was super hungry, although I am. Its more because the SWF just wasn't working.

Plus I lost 10lbs last July by eating right and exercising, so I'm hoping doing that will help me drop weight.

Why is weight such a big issue for females? Ugh.

The Master Cleanse

I've got to lose like 20 lbs to get to where I want to be and exercise/eating right isn't shedding the pounds fast enough. So I've decided to try out this Master Cleanse/Lemonade Diet thing.

You drink 60 oz of this concoction of lemon juice, water, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper after a morning drink of salt water to clean out your colon of the waste.

I was originally going to ease into the cleanse by eating less and less everyday but I decided to just start it. Today was day one.

It wasn't all bad. I was hungry a lot, but I had the lemonade everytime I felt hungry. The pepper did burn my throat a little, but I followed each drink of the lemonade with water so that wasn't too bad either.

So today I didn't lose any weight, people claim to lose 1-2 lbs a day starting day one, but I'm still exactly where I was at. I would think not eating all day would at least show 1 lb loss, but it didn't.

I'll try to do this for 5 days at least, recommended length is 10 days.

Wish me luck!

Things I want to get done in 2009.

There are lots of things I want to get done but these things specifically, God Willing:

1) Lose 20 lbs
2) Get Engaged
3) Take the 2nd part of my test series
4) Find an amazing place in NYC
5) Learn Spanish
6) Get my Blog noticed!!

Hopefully I'll get that all done! Shouldn't be too hard and since its a tiny list so it should be fine.

:)

Things I love/hate about Spring/Summer

What I love:

-flip flops/sandals!
-thsirts!
-air conditioning
-being able to go to parks
-being able to run outside
-the flowers!


What I hate:

-bugs!!!
-the heat!! esp here in the South
-all these thin girls wearing super short stuff that makes me feel uncomfortable


I'll post more once I think of them!

A few more days...

So I literally have 5 days left until my huge major life changing exam and I just don't feel prepared. I mean at all. I've done a lot of studying, lots of practice questions, I even took a course for the exam, but I still don't feel prepared. Everyone keeps telling me that this is totally normal and that everything will be fine especially since I've done so much to prepare. But people telling me that I should relax and be confident isn't making me confident at all, it's acutally doing the opposite.

There is still just so much to do and I can't focus long enough to do it. I keep asking God to perform a miracle an give me the will power/strength to focus long enough to read a chapter, but that doesn't seem to be helping. And it really doesn't help that I just can't fall asleep at night. Like last night I went to bed at 10 pm, I couldn't fall asleep until about midnight! It was horrible. I'm exhausted from the lack of sleep!

Anyway, I guess that's enough complaining for one day, I should get back to studying.

Can't wait until this is over.

Lists

So several of the blogs I go to are putting up lists of their top 5's. I thought I would too.

Here are a few:

Top 5 Places to See:

1) Paris, France
2) Barcelona, Spain
3) Cairo, Egypt
4) Main Island, Fiji
5) Reo, Brazil



Top 5 Movies I Love:

1) Fools Rush In
2) Ever After
3) Matrix
4) Casablanca
5) When Harry Met Sally


Top 5 Cities in the US:

1) NYC!!!
2) Dallas
3) San Diego
4) Chicago
5) Las Vegas


That's all I can think of right now, but I'll keep adding!

The Internet

Have you noticed that when you have a major exam or a major project coming up you tend to shift your focus and become obsessed with something that has nothing to do with that you should be doing? I become most addicted to the internet when I'm supposed to be doing something else. Like right now, I have a MAJOR exam coming up in about 10 days, and instead of studying my ass off, I'm going on the same few sites that I go to even though I know they haven't made any new posts or updated anything.

Because I can't focus my attention on my studies makes me think that I have ADHD. I acutally took a test at a psychiatrists office to see if I had ADHD or not, and I scored one point below whats considered to be a person with ADHD.

I have tried adderrall before and for about 3 days it was great. I was focusing like I've never focused before. I wasn't eating as much which is a huge plus. And I was sleeping well. Around day 5 I started loosing focus and not sleeping. I just couldn't fall asleep. Around day 8 without any sleep for 3 days I decided that sleep was more important than focus so I stopped taking it. So it didn't help me. Which was a huge bummer. I honestly don't know how to get my focus back. Which just plain sucks.

Stress

I used to handle stress pretty well. Granted that the stress that I was used to wasn't all that stressful, but still I handled it really freaking well. The last year or so I haven't been able to handle stress well. I get real moody and bitchy. I'll snap at anything that dares to come in my way. My head starts to hurt nonstop even my eyes start hurting. The worst thing of all though is that my sleep suffers. My entire life, I've been able to leave stress of my bed. When its me and my bed I sleep, I recuperate at night and in the morning the stress just doesn't seem that bad.

Well not anymore. My stress now comes with me into bed. It slides under the covers next to me and snuggles up so close sometimes its hard to breathe. My stress hogs the covers, kicks, and snores! Not me, the stress. A lot of this stress has to do with my school issues, not staying on track basically not keeping up with the Joneses.

A lot also has to do with the fact that my love life is not going according to the time line I had set up in my head either. All my close friends are either married, married with children, or engaged. I feel like I'm last of the dating kind. Even my friends that are younger than me are getting hitched. I makes me feel rushed and frustrated because all I get from my parents is "when are you getting married". Of course they'd like it if I married who they wanted me to marry but thats for another entry all together.

So stress. The thing that causes an increase in cortisol levels, creates havoc inside your body, keeps you up at night, and makes you fat, is here and it seems like its here for good. I've tried meditating, praying, exercising, watching more tv, basically you name it and I've tried it. The day stress decides to go back to where it belongs, I will be a happy woman indeed.

Heres a little picture that shows all the negative effects of stress:

Growing Up

Growing up has not been easy for me. I've always been told that I'm an old soul in a young body, and I do think thats true to a certain extent. I have no doubt been more mature than people my age. I was helping to take care of my younger brothers when I was just 11/12, I was being left to care for all my siblings by the time I was 13, my parents trusted me that much. I was very well behaved as a kid, thats not saying I didn't make mistakes or get into trouble, which I did enough.

As I've been gettng older, I've seen my maturity just kind of go away. People can still count on me, my family still asks for my opinion before making any decisision, my sisters still call me to ask for my advice. But I've noticed that I just don't seem to want to be this mature dependable person everyone thinks I am. I know its in my nature and it'll never go away, so I guess my little personal rebellions are my way of 'acting out'. Like for example, not doing the dishes and letting my mom or brother do them, not cleaing up or asking anyone to clean up after themselves. Or even something as simple as not waking up before 8 am.

These are not big thigns, they're just a few little things, but it seems to be working. People aren't pushing their issues and problems on me. I'm not the person they come to anytime something is wrong. But while I'm getting what I wanted, I'm still not very happy. I do want to help, I do want to be the one they come to. How does that work? I don't want to be bothered but I still do?

When we're kids all we think about is how we can't wait to grow up and be adults. Now that I'm finally here, I don't know what all the fuss was about. There is nothing good about being an adult. Nothing. All the bills, the work, the debt. Its just more responsibilities.

I have a feeling a lot of my issues are due to the fact that I'm still a student, and not a 'proper' adult yet. I don't have a full time job nor do I have any income. I'm just collecting more and more debt that I will eventually have to pay off someday. I feel like I'm in such a limbo. I am an adult but I'm still a student. Hopefully within the next few months I can get out of this rut and start feeling like an adult.

Growing up sucks.

Cheating

I've never really cheated in my life, well there was this one incidence in 7th grade. I don't really consider it cheating since it was more like copying definitions out of the dictionary instead of writing my own sentences so I could watch Full House. I've been tempted to glance at other peoples tests over time not to copy their answer, but to see if I'm on the right track. I can honestly say I've never cheated on a test.

Until these do it yourself computer question banks came around that let you pick where the questions are coming from. It is so very easy to get an amazing score on a quiz that is composed of all your previous incorrect questions and bump up your percentage. It's not really cheating because you have done the questions once before, but its not really a correct assessment of your knowledge or skills because of the false inflation of your overall percentage. In the end the only cheating that is really happening is you cheating yourself. Which doesn't really help anyone.

Sometimes I wonder if the things I do are helping me in life or just keeping me behind.

A World Like That

Have you ever just wanted to stop what you are currently doing and head to that city you've always dreamed of living in and start a life you only lived in your dreams? Everyday there is an increase in my desire to just stop what I'm doing and just move to NYC and work wherever I get a job.

I guess it might have something to do with the fact that I've been doing the same exact thing for about a year now and haven't really moved forward in my "career". If it wasn't for the end result that will God willing come one day, not soon enough, I know I couldn't keep doing what I have been doing for the last year. It's so mundane and so repetitive. Everyday it feels like I just wake up and do the same thing again. From the food I eat, to the route I take for my jogs, to the people I see, its ALL THE SAME! I'm sure the monotony I feel is felt by hundreds and thousands of people out there who work in 9-5 jobs or even in the field I'm going into. But at least they are getting paid, they don't have to sit there and do it all without any fruit of their labor.

Sometimes it is just too much to work to be happy and grateful for all the wonderful things you have in your life, like your family, significant other, health, home, etc. It is much easier to moan and groan about how life hasn't brought you the things you want and are working for. How life screwed you over, how God screwed you over.

I've been having a love/hate relationship with God since about January. God has given me some amazing miracles, he has introduced me to some amazing people and given me some great opportunities. But man, when He doesn't let one thing you've been praying hardcore for go your way, you just lose all faith in Him. At least I do. It's so hard to build faith in God, but its so easy to have it shattered down.

I know God is there. I know He listens and does whats best for me even if I don't realize it at that time that it is the best thing for me. But if He could just give me a little understanding of why He does what He does, my life would be a million times easier! I wouldn't have to worry about everything that wasn't going how I planned. I could go with the flow. Ah to imagine an easier world. I could spend all day day dreaming about a world like that.

Presentation is Everything

You know how Realtors say that Location is everything? Well Stylists say that Presentation is everything. Which is very true. You can sell an outdated house if you style it correctly, heck you can even sell yourself if you style correctly ( obviously I mean get the job, get the guy, etc).

Anyway I was flipping through Eddie Ross and I came across his presentation post. I love his website. He has such skill for style. I'd give anything to be able to find things he does at the flea market. I just don't have that eye for looking beneath the dust/grime to find the shining white dish underneath.

Look at what he can do with a cabbage, just amazing!

Apartment Therapy

Apartment Therapy is having this contest about small spaces, you post your small space and people vote and the winner gets $4000 and runner ups get $2000! How nice is that? So some of the spaces are absolutely amazing!

Heres a few that I really like.

Jersey City Apt, Ekta Chopra











ErinMcFly, Brooklyn NY











Heres Anns great apartment in Brooklyn. Only 260 sq ft!!!!


Heres the link to see all the apartments

Giveaways

I was reading another blog (here) when I saw that another blog was having a giveaway!

This give away is for A Bare Minerals Face Fashion 5 Piece Color Collection Kit!!! Now I don't wear a lot of make up but when I got free samples of BM powder from Ulta last summer I fell in love. I'm waiting for summer to come again to buy the whole kit, my skins to dry for powder in the winter.

Anyway, I hope I win! Heres the link if anyone else wants to enter! Who is Mich Giveaway!



This is the downside of doing question banks online. Just a quick minimize and the internet and your brand new empty blog is right there begging to be filled up. I'm sure once I get super serious about studying, ie no more qbanks, I won't be posting as much.

lol, at least I hope so!

The internet and its crazies

I'm really concerned about my online identity. I was foolish to use one screen name all over the place and now its associated with things I'd rather not be associated with. But the thing is, I'm a very simple person who isn't concerned so much with privacy as much as creepy people who make creepy threats. If you want to attack me go for it, as long as it has no affect on my family I'm fine with it. Mess with my family and you're in for a surprise.

The internet really does bring out the crazies. I mean they think they have all this power over you just because they could google a few things or use certain search engines to find out an old/current address. And if it was just me they'd be messing with, who cares. Bring it. But no, they want to bring in my family. That is just not acceptable.

Why do people behave like this? I have no idea.

Just a thought running through my mind.

Can you afford that?

I was on a few shoe blog sites that I like to visit and after seeing the same girl have a million different pairs of Christian Louboutins, Manolos, and God knows what else, I stBlogger: Just Another Me - Edit Post "Can you afford that?"arted to wonder how these people afford these extravagant shoes! I mean, each CL shoe is like $600 US dollars, so to have just two is like most peoples monthly rent. I guess people make choices on what is important in their lives and what not, but still to have so many pairs. I read their bio's to see if mabye their job allows them to get a discount or something of the like, and while yes most people do have jobs which allows them to have shoes like that for less than retail, most people don't!

So I just want to know, how do they do it? Please share the secret so I can get a few of my own pairs!

The day I purchase my very own pair of CL shoes will be a good day indeed.

A few of my Favorite things

These are a few of my favorite shoes. All three are Christian Louboutin shoes. I'm in love with his shoes. Although I'm not rich enough to own one yet, one day God willing I will!! I want one of these sparkly ones for my wedding day and the black ones I want for normal day stuff. And no, I'm not getting married anytime soon.

Cute Peas!

Don't you think that these peas are the cutest thing ever?

and lol so much for tomorrow!

My First Post

So I've been reading other peoples blogs for years now. I check about 12 blogs daily, acutally like 4-5 times a day. I love reading their new posts and finding out whats going on in their lives. I've thought about creating my own blog for ages, and even had a xanga for a while, but with my "busy" life, I decided it would be better if I just read other blogs instead of wasting my time and energy on something I wouldn't update regularly anyways.

So why did I decide to create one now? Two reasons: 1) I need an outlet to let out my frustrations and thoughts, 2) I really need my writing to improve.

I'm going to have to write a few essays soon enough for applications so might as well get practice writing out my feelings. I've followed a few blogs from their infancy and seen how the bloggers writings have become pretty much amazing, so the plan and goal is to do the same. I've never been a great writer, more of a rambler really. And it hasn't been working out too well for me.

So a little about me, I'm a 20-something year old medical school student who is studying to take the first of many board exam. Studying is getting really stressful. Trying to read the same books you've been reading for the last 2 years and doing questions all day really gets to you. You'd think I'd have the books memorized by now wouldn't you? But guess what I don't. And its really coming back to bite me in my rear end. I really hate studying. I know I will be a good doctor, God willing, but the path to get there is really long and hard. Lots of other people fly by making it seem like its so easy, that what the learn is so easy to understand and remember for life. Maybe it is, but for me its not. I just don't study well and whats worse is that I stink at standardized test taking. I mean I SUCK at it. I'm so bad that the people who create standardized tests look out for people like me to pick on and laugh at when they look at our scores.

So, that about sums up what I'm doing right now. ( I should be doing questions but I'm creating this blog instead, go figure. )

I guess I should head back to my questions, and maybe come by and post some more tomorrow.

Until then, thats all folks.