Monday, April 13, 2009

Growing Up

Growing up has not been easy for me. I've always been told that I'm an old soul in a young body, and I do think thats true to a certain extent. I have no doubt been more mature than people my age. I was helping to take care of my younger brothers when I was just 11/12, I was being left to care for all my siblings by the time I was 13, my parents trusted me that much. I was very well behaved as a kid, thats not saying I didn't make mistakes or get into trouble, which I did enough.

As I've been gettng older, I've seen my maturity just kind of go away. People can still count on me, my family still asks for my opinion before making any decisision, my sisters still call me to ask for my advice. But I've noticed that I just don't seem to want to be this mature dependable person everyone thinks I am. I know its in my nature and it'll never go away, so I guess my little personal rebellions are my way of 'acting out'. Like for example, not doing the dishes and letting my mom or brother do them, not cleaing up or asking anyone to clean up after themselves. Or even something as simple as not waking up before 8 am.

These are not big thigns, they're just a few little things, but it seems to be working. People aren't pushing their issues and problems on me. I'm not the person they come to anytime something is wrong. But while I'm getting what I wanted, I'm still not very happy. I do want to help, I do want to be the one they come to. How does that work? I don't want to be bothered but I still do?

When we're kids all we think about is how we can't wait to grow up and be adults. Now that I'm finally here, I don't know what all the fuss was about. There is nothing good about being an adult. Nothing. All the bills, the work, the debt. Its just more responsibilities.

I have a feeling a lot of my issues are due to the fact that I'm still a student, and not a 'proper' adult yet. I don't have a full time job nor do I have any income. I'm just collecting more and more debt that I will eventually have to pay off someday. I feel like I'm in such a limbo. I am an adult but I'm still a student. Hopefully within the next few months I can get out of this rut and start feeling like an adult.

Growing up sucks.

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